No wonder I fell in love with him.
I say this to myself a lot, often followed by a long, drawn-out “duhhhhhh.”
And why?
Because whenever I’m tuned out, dismissed, or disrespected by someone, I immediately recall how amazing it felt to be, well... NOT tuned out, dismissed, or disrespected. I go back in time, to those past moments when someone made me feel valued:
He’s actually listening to me! And rather intently.
He’s not cutting me off mid-sentence. Oh my!
He’s interested in learning all about me and what my life is like.
Don’t tell me he cares about my well-being too???
Holy Crap! I MATTER!
But this isn’t about falling in love (well, maybe it is, just a teeny-tiny bit). This is about what happens when you become like a starving, stray dog who’s been wandering for months on its own, and then one day, turns a corner and runs into a big bowl of kibble, with a gentle human hand attached.
I was that dog. I was starving and ran into a big bowl of YOU MATTER, served to me by a kind and caring stranger.
And this changed me, rocked me to my core. It was an awakening. The heavens parted and an angel dropped down, placing a split screen in front of me:
ANGEL: So, honey, this is your life. Over here, on screen A... AHEM! Pay attention! *adjusts wings* Over here, you’ll see all the times you accepted “less than” from others. Less than kind. Less than caring. Less than respect. It’s all there, even that fool who used to turn and walk away from you without a word in the middle of a conversation. Remember him? You knew he wasn’t running off to answer nature’s call. He was just plain rude. But you tolerated it.
ANGEL: (continuing) Now look over here at screen B. Someone’s giving you “more than.” More than you ever expected from anyone. More than you ever dreamed you deserved, sort of like the royal treatment, minus the crown, caviar, and curtsying.
ME: What the... ? *takes a second to process* Ohhhhhh... So THAT’S what I’ve been missing.
Yep, folks. That’s it, alright. That’s what I was missing. And maybe that’s what you’ve been missing, too.
What do they say? Once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Or in my case, once you’ve been to the ball, you don’t want to go back to your life as a chimney sweep. This meeting “reset” my expectations for all my relationships, even work-related ones.
Now, to be clear, this didn’t turn out to be a romance or even a short- or long-term friendship. I suppose you could call it a brief encounter. But how long I knew him isn’t important. It was just long enough for me to recognize how my self-worth had plummeted to an all-time low.
Except for my closest friends, all of whom appreciate and respect me, and vice versa, I was accepting poor treatment from various people. Some were so-called “friends” and others were only acquaintances. Passive-aggressive put-downs are not friendly, nor is a harsh tone or snotty attitude. As for romantic involvements, I was used to grabbing onto bits and pieces of attention anyone would throw my way. Maybe I’m still that naive third-grader who constantly argued with her father: “But, Daddy, they’re my FRIEND.”
I’m not proud of my then status as a “stray” eating up all the validation this guy was offering. We should never allow ourselves to become so hungry for outside confirmation of our value that we’re vulnerable to anyone who comes along. A sweet smile and a kind word do not automatically grant someone access to you.
This man ultimately disappeared on me. Who knows if he was for real or not? I like to think he was. Unfortunately, I’m not so sure.
But here’s the deal: I AM for real, sincere, and as loyal as I was in third grade. (Lassie’s got nothing on me!) I’m not perfect but I am worth knowing and shouldn’t have to scrounge around for “sustenance.” No one should.
Years ago, an intuitive healer began our session saying she had a vision of me eating the crumbs around the edge of a plate, leaving a large portion of cake untouched in the middle. (Hmmm... intuitive or am I just so obvious?)
I saw my mother accept crumbs. I take that back. I don’t think she was even offered a piece of cake. By the time Dad was through with her, her light had been totally extinguished. She had the self-worth of a pile of dirt. And that’s how she felt—like dirt. I remember her brother commenting on her “big ego” and need for attention.
Dear Uncle J, please try to understand. Your sister was hungry for appreciation.
And she never received any.
Growing up with domestic violence, I took a back seat to the drama taking place in front of me between my mother and father. These two were larger than life and their needs were greater than mine. And although I knew they loved me, I was often unseen and unheard by both of them. That was to be expected, though, considering their chaotic lifestyle. Chaos blocks our vision of anything except itself. When someone, in a fit of anger, swipes their arm across the dinner table, sending the plates, glasses, silverware, and meatballs crashing to the floor, I guarantee you the focus is going to be on the overwhelming mess that needs cleaning, rather than on the child sitting at the table with tears streaming down his or her face.
My parents’ ignorance of my needs became acceptable to me; it was standard behavior. Somehow, at the age of 10, I understood. At 20, 30, 40, etc. I still understood. Uh-oh. Not good. Houston, we have a problem. A lifelong self-worth problem.
While I don’t believe anyone can “give” us self-worth (or self-esteem), our environment and the people that surround us contribute greatly to how we feel about ourselves. Receiving a physical, verbal, or emotional beatdown regularly will chip away at your sense of value. So will being ignored.
And if, instead, someone lifts you up, encourages and supports you, this should only be a reinforcement of the self-worth you already possess. It’s kind of like your glass is filled with your favorite tropical drink and they’re just topping it off with a cherry.
My glass was empty (and so was my bowl of kibble). I understand that now. And this came to light when I least expected it, thanks to a random man I met along the way.
And speaking of the random man... At the time, not everyone understood my feelings for him. One friend asked, “How could you possibly fall in love in such a short amount of time?”
Today, my answer is simple: How could I not? He gave me a gift, one I’d been waiting for my entire life.
A whole piece of cake.